wild times lay ahead

drive by

2006-04-13T20:29:00.000-07:00

what exactly is the motive behind honking at girls on the street? we've all been honked at, or even worse- drive by obsenity yelled at. but at least honked. its really one of my pet peeves (of which i have a looooong list) but honking is really up there. because not only does it make me feel murderous- i just dont GET it.

what really is the proper reaction to a horn honking- does anybody know? so i'm walking along- like a nice little pedestrian and something you see as youre speeding past inspires you to blast your horn. what?? am i supposed to smile and wave? because you're already down the street by the time i can coordinate that. and i dont want to go straight to flipping you off- what if you're warning me a bus without brakes is heading in my direction?

maybe the right response is to fall madly in love/lust with you for the 5 seconds we share road space... who knows? maybe this is the start of something beautiful. i can't really see you as you zoom by, and the conversation (hey baby, or woooooooooooo, or alajashfugasjb!!!) kind of leaves something to be desired, but who am i to turn my back on fate? YOU are choosing to honk at ME. i mean this can't be a common occurence can it? its not like you just go around honking at any female you see minding her own business enjoying the world.
oh oh! a honk? for me? wait please- slow down- let's get together. baby, i can't wait to tell the story at the wedding about how you pressed that horn when you saw me swinging along with my flip flops and messy bun and you saw the beauty in me- all the way from the other side of the street, and then i saw you speeding past that stop sign and directly into my heart. ahh forget wedding bells... i want to hear car horns swinging us sweetly through our waltz of vehicular looooooooove.
but no. it cant be. i mean where could it go? here i am, on the sidewalk... and there you are- in your car. we're just from two different worlds. shh. shh. it'll be okay.

i'm probably jumping to conclusions. maybe you're just trying to ask me out on a date. taking it slow- i respect that in a guy who honks at young girls walking alone. i mean your tinted windows are kind of getting in the way of our courtship, bright blue acura man, but at least roll down the window and shout me a restaurant name or movie time okay?

OR maybe your toot toot is just your own special way of giving me your approval. from now on when i'm wondering about a new top or something i'll just go stand by a highway and see what the general driving public response is.

but what really makes me mad? what really makes me want to turn into the incredible hulk and kick out your back windows? when you are honking at me- AND YOU'RE A TRACTOR TRAILER.
are you new at this trucking game sir? borrowing cousin bubba's big 'ol truck for a joyride? or are you just taking the big rig for a test run from wherever you people buy these monster vehicles from? because you obviously do not know how FUCKING LOUD YOUR HORN IS. I HAVE TO USE CAPS NOW TO ILLUSTRATE THE FACT THAT I AM NOW DEAF AND MY HEART IS RESIDING IN MY UPPER ESOPHAGUS.

are those things hooked up to stereo speakers? in my ear? and what really makes my day is when theyre coming from behind. spectacular timing those truck drivers- right as i'm about to innocently inhale some necessary oxygen to my cells so i can live and function they let loose a deafening blast from that air horn on steriods. okay i understand. the truck is big. great. but does the sound that comes out of it really need to be that earshattering? other drivers just need to know you're coming, not the whole entire continental united states. i may just be sensitive but i'm pretty sure i need to have a pacemaker put in after a recent walk i took. are they trying to pick me up or committ homicide? because if they keep fucking around, one of these days i might jump a little too far to the right and end up in front of oncoming traffic. and you atlantans dont really like that stop for pedestrians rule do you? i mean in new york we don't either but at least we're open about it, and don't pretend that you have a chance. i see it in your eyes. you georgia peaches are stepping on the gas arent you?

oh and don't wave. thats not cute. do you see the deer in a headlights look i have? i'm not struck by your sexiness- you just dazed me with your auditory tazer gun of a horn.

i think when i actually start driving, i'm going to get a tractor trailer and joy ride around all the trucking yards til the guys get out of work, all tired from a long run, and then wait til they're juuuuust about to turn the lights off and head to bed, and play them a little big rig horn concert.

and then i'll wave.

back from the dead

2006-04-04T08:32:00.000-07:00

i have gotten the most fantastical package from my SP.

cecily (yay i know your name) i'm sorry i was such a pain in the ass but you really didnt have to worry too much about me because i LOVEEEEE everything you sent!!

since i dont have my camera (SAMMY JANEEEEEEE) you'll have to rely on words to express the beautiousness of it all.

books! YES!
stitch and bitch nation- holla, now i just need to pick one...

the shop on blossom street and p.s. i love you- both sound like sappy girly redemption stories- perfect for what i need right now.

chocolate from italy- which the only reason i havent eaten yet is because i just inhaled like 8 milanos and even *i* have some self control sometimes.

andean silk from knitpicks in black and cranberry
a skein of pure wool in a deep red wine-y color

two skeins of knitpicks shine in THE most amazing turquoise color ever- i'm already planning to knit a clutch out it for when i just want my bankcard keys and chapstick on me.

THANK YOU SO MUCH CECILY!! i bookmarked your journal. and you are fantastic and im so grateful!

like cecily said i havent written in a while. why? because i'm all over the place. i'm working two jobs (soon to be one though) and trying to do the whole adult thing. i dont really have time to write about it now (gotta clean up and then get ready for work...) but today has started out as an amazing day- i bought jason mraz tickets and then this gorgeous package showed up at my door. so no nasty customers or job related stress is going to bother me today. cause i said so.

atl

2006-03-16T21:51:00.000-08:00

i am FINALLY in atlanta! i'm a little overwhelmed cause its like bam- BE A PERSON AGAIN LAUREN but its cool- i'll figure out how to do things like work or feed myself again soon enough.

things that need to be addressed-

1. my amazing secret pal!!! as soon as i have free time tomorrow i'll snap some shots of the awesome packages i got to properly express my thanks! (also in related news i am the shittiest secret pal ever- i only sent out once and i left what was supposed to be my second package in NY... scramble to any atlanta yarn store i can find here i come)

2. i am wasting my st. patrick's day away. whyyyyyyy do i not have any friends here who can accompany me on a shitshow fest tomorrow night?! why couldnt i be established with fun aquaintances by the time of this holiday o' liquor??

3. do you know how unattractive it is to have a swollen nostril due to ripping your nose ring out violently by mistake in the shower? i do. and so does anyone else who looks at me.

4. would it be wrong if i ran down the halls of my aunt's job and stole the things off the walls? (she works at cartoon network) dear GOD they have some cool ass shit in that joint. anyone ever been and feel the urge to play supermarket sweep and steal their toys and pictures too?

but wish me luck on my upcoming search for a job- i asked for an application today and apparently they dont even GIVE THEM OUT unless you come between mon-thurs 2-5. i went to like 5 places and thats what they all said. what?? just give me the damn paper hostess lady so i can fill it out. is this a date we're making? i just want to apply- you know, like let you know of my existence? (now im scared theyre going to like throw me in a uniform and make me work to see if they want to hire me.) and ive never waited tables before sir. i kiiiinda just want to be a hostess. can we do that? or is there a seperate time table i'm going to have to apply in?

okay that whole sleep thing must be done now. boooo for being a productive part of society.

i am loving brazil right about now

2006-02-18T15:47:00.000-08:00

so ive decided im too lazy to write about dinner the other night

just imagine it was funny. and we ate a lot of meat while we laughed. and then after we all said we were going to throw up we decided that was a big fat lie and ate a lot of chocolate.

we went to one of our favorite restaurants here- its a churrascaria (means barbeque) where they take big slabs of beef and roast 'em up for a couple hours, (some of the huge chunks prominently twirling in the front window) and then many many gaucho-ed men walk around with sharp shiny knives and carve off pieces for you to slide onto your plate. right off the barbeque skewer. they bring it to you. are you grasping the wonderfulness of this?? its amazing. and theres a pasta bar where they have like 10 different kinds of pasta and almost anything you could want in your sauce (and NOT want- eggs?! ew??)

how are brazilians not obese? i think the american government has it written down somewhere, like on a post it or something, to not allow these glorious restaurants to take over the states because we're fat enough as it is. and i believe it reads as thus:

"hey prez- remember, no churrazkareeas allowed cuz americans r fat enuf."

also me and my mother discovered this amaaaazing district here where there are more clothing stores than you could possibly imagine. i cant explain. i need to take pictures. and i will. because the world needs to see. i bought pants that i wore today and destructo (my brother) got chocolate ice cream stickyness on, two shirts, a dress (WHY does my mother INSIST on pretending i'm a size larger than i really am?! is she calling me fat? is she blind? can she not estimate as well as she used to in her growing years? does she think i dress like a whore by mistake?) which is too big (especially in the bitty titty area) but i'll deal, and earrings.

i was a little overwhelmed or i would have bought more.

i'll update later because im going to watch the longest yard.

mmmm meat

2006-02-16T17:02:00.000-08:00

tonight was quite possibly one of the funniest family dinners i have ever had.

and i'm pretty sure i ate an entire large cow's left flank. and it was DELICIOUS.

but i have to wake up in 7 hours and thats approximately 3 less than i usually require so goodnight for now : )

in lieu of listening to me talk about how i spent my night laughing, gnawing on ol' bessie's hindquarters and stealing little shot mugs/glasses things from the restaurant we were at... here are some links to entertain you.

help me find myself - do this por favor

project spectrum!
if you're part of this and are somehow reading my blog- say hi!! so i can keep an eye on your blog and check it out!

boa noite!

"i feel like tony the tiger- they're grrrrrrreat!"

2006-02-13T20:08:00.000-08:00

i just had a good long conversation with my friend about semen.

and earlier i told my mother that i would rather rip out my eyeballs and run screaming than eat dinner with the family.

i think its safe to say that i'm a little off today... so i'm heading to bed before i go completely apeshit and try to like eat people kidney's or something.

on another note- my impending departure from brazil is wavering under the results of the "rip out my eyeballs" conversation with my mother. so maybe i'm here for longer- maybe i'm outta this joint. too soon to tell!

purple sea urchins and light bulbed valleys

2006-02-09T18:39:00.000-08:00

why does it feel like all that was once right with the world is now based on the crazed ramblings of a left handed crack addict writing in crayon when you hear that an ex is getting married?

i mean you're over him- REALLY you are, its great he's getting married, yay doves and rice!
but still why does it feel so... icky?!

could it be because he had to get a last parting "i wanted you" shot in there at the last minute?
could it be the world feels a need to rub in your face that you will die a lonely old woman?
could it be a sign that the world is absolutely insane and you might as well join the hell in and run around in mismatched underwear and feather headdresses?

i'm sorry- maybe i shouldnt be flipping out about this, is it wrong that it bothers me and ive become incoherent and slightly crazy since hearing? oh well, its back to my heart attacks and self pity for now. so i'll see you later... probably with a good strong drink in hand for fortitude.

2006-02-06T06:38:00.000-08:00

oh secret pal o' mine you are going to regret asking me about things i like.

yarn and books i like:
amazon wishlist
handspun yarn by the way this is just an example- i just googled. good gracious dont spend nearly this much on yarn- i'll get scared and never use it because of the intense pressure to knit something earthshattering.
a project set- a pattern and the right type of yarn to go with it ( i cant understand how to substitute and i sure as hell am not paying like 30 a skein to knit something im probably going to f-up)
ideas for patterns: i've had an intense yearning for a tunic-y shirt like this. or scroll down for the hepburn...
a minisweater-y thing like this- (maybe sans puffy sleeves- im scared how they would look on me)
remember. i suck. so nothing thats going to make me weep please.

if you want to knit something for me:
a wrap sweater, like kimono-style
or a ballet type tee...
oh and i really like cap sleeves... haha i'm a pain in the ass- lo siento.

i don't know what your knitting level is- don't worry about it if these patterns are hard- i'm just throwing stuff out there.

i'll add more if you'd like?

this might be a waste of webspace

2006-02-02T20:08:00.000-08:00

so i havent posted in a while for many reasons.

1. who really reads this anyway?
2. i lead a very boring life
3. i havent felt like writing
4. ive become obsessed with craftster
5. i havent really been going out so unless you want accounts of what i watched on TV i dont think you care.

so. i havent showered in 3 days. and thats gross. but the funny thing is i really dont smell. the bottom of my feet are like black but thats okay cause nobodys looking at that anyway.

ive become a movie addict lately since we discovered a blockbuster not too far away- and ive decided i have NO taste in movies. almost all of them entertain me. everyone around me can be itching to hit the eject button on the DVD player and i will just merrily watch away, ignoring the lack of a storyline or shitty acting. do i have bad movie taste or is everyone else really picky?

btw: i WANT this

2006-01-25T08:37:00.000-08:00

funniest tshirts ever.

mmmm vermin

2006-01-24T07:09:00.000-08:00

i don't know if this is just because i took a food and sanitation class-
but when you work in a restaurant and a patron accidently knocks over a salt shaker and small insects come swarming out you shouldn't go ohhh formigas and casually swipe them away.

maybe thats just me. i don't know. the creatures in my condiments idea dont really get me hungry for the food you know?

so for now i think i'll be patronizing the cafe de kitchen a little more...

search for yarn: update

2006-01-22T13:28:00.000-08:00

apparently they only crochet here.

bastards.

i bought thread and needles in the hopes of teaching myself to embroider and when i got home i realized i have no hoop. me crafting here is actually hopelessssssssss.

2006-01-20T15:03:00.000-08:00

i went on a glorious vacation to maresias beach this past week.
because i'm too lazy to do an essay type deal...

the good:

* spent 5 solid days either sitting on the beach or by the pool doing a various assortment of reading, writing, taking pictures, playing with mateo, swimming in the ocean or pool or staring at hot men

* got a kickass tan

* i saw a real life sloth- they're cute!!

* made friends with a really cool girl from the hotel- hi simone!! and went to a luau. it was honestly one of the most beautiful experiences in my life. imagine sitting on a beautiful beach in brazil at night with a palm tree bonfire nearby and listening to cute brazilian boys play the guitar and sing songs you dont understand but couldnt care less because they still kick ass... mmmmmm

the bad:

* my nose is now peeling

* i was too busy lazing my ass around to actually really explore anything like i really wanted to

the ugly:

* i got either food poisoning or some horrific stomach bug when we went to the amazingly gorgeous ilhabela and subsequently spent the whole day NOT enjoying the scenery or going on the waterfall hike like i wanted but instead either regurgitating anything that touched my lips or avoiding horizontal activities in case my head fell off.
imagine swimming in the ocean to maybe cool your feverish body down and then realizing that your fettucini com manteca is going to be feeding the marine life in about oh... NOW. and then you turn around to hide your vomiting from the frolicking beach goers because really who wants to be known as that american girl who grossed up the water? ... and then a wave comes.

so thats whats going on right about now. everyones back at school and it kind of makes me wish i was there. and then i think of homework. and how its cold there. and how i'd have to get off my ass and actually like go places and work and pay for myself. and i shudder and hug anything nearby thats brazilian because THANK GOD I CAN STILL BE A PRINCESS AND SIT ON MY ASS AND MAKE NO CONTRIBUTION TO ANYTHING!!

whew. almost remembered i'm going to have to go back and get a JOB and go to SCHOOL and be RESPONSIBLE sometime soon. now i've got to go get a coconut drink or eat a mango or something quick...

the search for yarn: part 1

2006-01-12T14:54:00.000-08:00

does anybody in this country knit??

i mean i understand it's hot a lot of the time but there IS a winter ( it only gets to around 30 degrees but thats still cold ) and knitting IS a craft where it doesn't just have to be cold, and WHY can i not find yarn that's not acrylic or 5 million dollars??

i finally, ( after one huge scary overwhelming street and i think three malls? ) was ready to give up and go to a hardware store and whittle my own when we found a store that sold stuff. so i bought myself some shitty plastic ones that are a good enough size to start knitting with my ribbon-y yarn. honestly i wish i knew what this stuff was its really kick-ass- but it's made by this random company called sonho by pinguin. i looked up the website but it made me really mad because it didn't have any sort of info on the yarn they sell.

we went to 25 de marco ( that c is supposed to have one of those little dangly accents at the bottom but i don't know how to type it... ) the other day and oh. my. goodness...

it's this street in downtown sao paolo that is seriously PACKED with stores. imagine one day everyone who goes to go shopping in manhattan can ONLY shop within greenwich village so they ALL go. that's how many people were there. at one point we looked down a side street and you couldn't see the actual street because all you saw were heads and tshirts. the bead stores were GINORMOUS ( and kind of expensive- some stores you couldn't even buy from them unless you spent a minimum of 130R... which is like 65 american ) and there are rows and rows of vendors on the sidewalk ( sometimes they're even two deep ) and it was CHAOS. we didn't even go all the way down the street or into any of the side streets.

add to this a 90 degree weather day, forgetting to put on deoderant in the morning, not knowing the language so not knowing what the hell you're buying or what the people in the stores are asking you ( you know that game you play when you don't know too much of a language and someone is speaking at light speed? the one where you're like HEY! I JUST HEARD THE WORD 'AND'... OOH OOH THERE WENT 'TIME'! )

oh, and i almost forgot... EIGHT MILLION BRAZILIANS ALL TRYING TO SHOP IN THE SAME STREET. i don't know if you know about my slight claustrophobia but i definitely noticed the warning signs of a heart attack.

eventually i gave up and said, "hey street. as cool as your stuff is? and as much as i'd like to support your country's commerce? fuck this human salmon swim- i'm out."
well i didn't really say that but i felt like it.

so that was a bust. i bought ummm like three beads. for what you ask? i don't know. they were cheap and i felt the need to buy something. am i the only one who does that? you just REFUSE to leave without some sort of trophy?

i got my secret pal matches the other day! i am SUCH a dork i was so excited when i saw i had an e-mail from the person who has me. she seems really nice and i can't wait for this to get started. i think i intimidated her with my extreme nomad lifestyle right now... considering i have like 20 residences ; ) and my match should be really easy to buy for- she was very specific in what she likes and doesn't like so i don't have to worry too much.

okay there's this crazy lady over in the living room WHO IS POSITIVELY ON my back about me playing trivial pursuit. which considering i wasn't ALIVE for half of the events i think is going to be a liiiiiiittle unfair in terms of playing levels.

secret pal seven questionnaire!!

2006-01-09T18:28:00.000-08:00

so i've joined in on this thing called the secret pal seven and it's this amazing amazing swapping dealie that i am SO PUMPED to join in on. so if you aren't my pal this is going to be really boring. sorry. suck it up. i'll write something interesting tomorrow. if i feel like it : P

and to my secret pal: let's be friends ; ) yes. i am cheesy like that. i'm 19, crazy all over the place and i'm really thankful i get to take part in this! some words i wrestled out of my friends that describe my style: eclectic * ethnic * simple * bohemian * sexy * casual * fun

1. i am not a yarn snob at all! in fact- i think the nicer yarns scare me a little bit because then i feel pressure to make something amazing with it! fully acrylic is cool to practice on but i like stuff with at least something else blended in. but those really pretty recycled sari yarns look kickass.

2. no to both spinning and crocheting.

3. storage? please define as i don't think such technique has ever been employed in my life... i like to think i work on a sort of, ordered chaos system. key words: i like to think

4. i taught myself last summer and have finished TWO scarves. i suck. so i'd classify myself as.... shitty beginner. yes i realize that wasnt one of the options but i figured it'd be better if i elaborated a little more.

5. i do not have a wish list. although now i really want to make one. so i might. soon.

6. mmmm vanilla. i also like tropical scents- like beachy or coconut-y ones.

7. unfortunately for my hips, i have a little bit more than A sweet tooth. so favorite candy? i dont know, there are so many!! i like things like chocolate covered almonds, coconut or dark chocolate. and fruity stuff ( just ixnay on the herrychay ) ...or if you want to keep me in the size i wear- i have this obsession with this asian rice cracker mix.... and i CANNOT find it.

8. scrapbooking and beading are the only other crafts i actually have done with some degree of skill- but i'm trying to teach myself bookbinding ( i bought a book to get instructions, now i need to go get supplies ), i want to try quilting when i get my sewing machine back from the states, and i have a feeling furniture reconstruction is going to be a big endeavor when i start attempting to live on my own on a SMALLLLLLLLLL budget when i move to georgia.

9. as long as i can learn the words and sing along to a song i'm pretty much happy. just NOT classical. otherwise i will HAPPILY listen to it and most likely jam out to it in the shower : ) i love finding out about new bands or singers.

10. i love bright tropical colors- hot pink, turquoise and bright orange are my favorites. close second: black and white ( and sometimes red ) together. i really dont like jewel tones- you know like emerald green and deep burgundy and- blech.

11. family situation= craziness. my parents are living in brazil with my precious baby brother, and i'm moving in with my beloved aunt in atlanta. no pets- my former cat now belongs to my bestest friend, sammy jane

12. scarves every once in a while ( although i probably won't need them much in atlanta right? ), mittens not really- i like having my fingers seperate thank you, and i dont know if ponchos are really my thang actually. shawls are cute though.

13. i really havent been knitting that long so i dont have favorite yarns. is that not like the most unhelpful answer ever?? okay here- i don't really think i like eyelash yarn.

14. did i just answer that? does eyelash yarn count? i don't know.

15. learning how to do something BESIDES knit and purl... so i guess my current compulsion is finding patterns that i can do that arent scarves but aren't going to make me cry in frustration

16. tote bags- cause its as easy as a scarf but a little more useful

17. haha a tote bag. good gracious i sound like a knitting asshole. i'm a lot more interesting! i swear!!

18. YES handmade gifts are the BEST- there is nothing better in the world than getting a gift that shows someone really thought about what you like- even if it's the tiniest thing ever. i'd much rather get a homemade card than some expensive thing that very obviously was one of those oh-shit-what-the-hell-do-i-get-her presents.

19. circular needles make me want to hide behind my mothers skirts ( if she wore skirts ) so STRAIGHT

20. mmm bamboo.

21. no yarn winder or swift. not at all. thats a loooong way off.

22. i taught myself to knit off a website and a really old needlecraft book my grandma had hanging around

23. well... considering i haven't been knitting long? i'd say a year?

24. favorite animated character... THE SNORKS OH MY GOD I LOVE THEM. and all those old cartoons- he man and she-ra! i have a he-man blanket that i cherish like an old friend. hmm i'm really actually a huge cartoon dork so there's a monstrous list.... but for now i'll add on the ninja turtles, belle from beauty and the beast and kita from atlantis aaaand i think that makes me look pretty dorky enough for now dontcha think? and i really love dolphins. but non cheesy dolphins. does that make sense?

25. my favorite holiday... i'm pretty fond of halloween, the thanksgiving food is nice, christmas is always fun, boo to new years, valentine's day makes me depressed, i dont eat eggs so easter isn't really appealing, ummm which ones did i miss? i mean really all holidays are cool in their own way. I CAN'T DECIDE. make me feel better about being painfully perpetually single if you want to pick one.

26. haha do shoes count? i'm in love with stars- like regular five pointed ones. and i really like zodiac signs and tarot cards and gypsies. oh and i really love the feel of places like spain, india, the amazon, the caribbean, the mediterranean- lush exotic beautiful places like that. i really like art- a la kurt halsey and fafinette. and i like photographs- like taking them, hanging them up, all that good stuff.

27. no knitting magazine subscriptions- i'm never really interested in more than half the patterns so i dont really bother anymore.

28. honestly- if my pal thinks there is some type of yarn, or a cool pattern, or a really good book ( besides stitch and bitch i'm working on that one ) or needles that would help- i would much rather take their oh so much better informed advice. i'm really simple actually.

29. i do want to eventually be able to use circulars, and i want to learn to do increases and decreases and yarn overs and all those common pattern techniques so i can move on from rectangles.

30. i am not a sock knitter at all. and i am actually a semi- hippie who loves being barefoot. so i dont know my sock measurements. and i dont see myself hunting for a tape measurer because well... i'm lazy.

31. october 6th

32. i am not allergic to anything

I AM SO EXCITED FOR THIS!! i hope i'm not too much of a pain in the ass and i will hopefully learn a lot about knitting from you whoever you are secret pal o' mine : )

<3 laur

2006-01-09T14:56:00.000-08:00

so my madre got close to drunk (you know when you're one drink away from being smashed?) the other night and tried to steal the sign off the manicurist's door.

and i just wanted to let the whole entire internet know that because it was one of the best nights i've had here. and plus it embarasses the hell out of her.

mateo just gave me a hug and deposited parmesean cheese all down my shirt and is now making me do "tents" which means hes going to suffocate me with a blanket and make racing car noises.

life is good.

all she wants is the sperm

2006-01-01T19:07:00.000-08:00

best show ever on animal planet: wild sex- femme fatale

here are some reasons why...
(oh and imagine an elderly caucasian male saying all the quotes)

polar bears
polar bears have sex for like 2 weeks straight. so to keep it up the males have a bone in their penis.
and they have sex so hard that the bone inside the bone BREAKS

talking about some little mouse creature called antiquinas or something
"he signed his own death warrant with sperm"
"he may be hard... but she's far from soft."

all the males DIE after the mating season. ALL OF THEM. drop dead. from too much sex.

talking about the praying mantis
"being eaten alive would put most males off sex..." have you spent time with college boys lately?
"the female begins to clean up. she's had sex... and supper." hahaha this ones just funny because she actually ate his EYE.

-they showed the female GNAWING on the males head. she fucking slurped up his eyeball like it was a gumball. and the little bugger was still alive and still climbed up on her, headless and all...

talking about a tarantula
"now, carrying his own fresh seed, he sets off on a date." just how i like my men. don't bring me flowers. i want FRESH SEED!
"now he feels around for her reproductive slit..." oh yeah baby, touch my reproductive slit...

and my absolute favorite: "all she wants is the sperm."

ohhhh. good times on animal planet.

feliz ano nuevo!

2005-12-31T21:42:00.000-08:00

new year's eve this year was surreal.

after we all went swimming (swimming on new years eve! ludicrous!) and ate dinner, we watched a show that had all these really good brasilian musicians/artists and now i wish i knew who they were so i could get their music... and then as it turned midnight, i stood on the balcony with my family watching fireworks over in the main part of the city. i was wearing a big floofy white blanket* and holding my camera to see if i could catch and good cityscapes/ fireworks shots (i think i got one) eating popcorn and coconut ice cream. (not together ew)

i was not alone on that balcony but i felt like i was. in a good way. and i feel like this year is going to be a good one for me. and if it has plans of not being a good one i'm going to beat it into submission and TURN it into a good one. i feel like i'm ready to work towards being on my own. for me, thats big.
and i don't think this is just one of those spontaneous new year's revelations thats expires around the second week of january. i've been feeling this way for a while. wish me luck.

coming tomorrow: a really interesting show i saw on discovery called wild sex: femme fatale. i will say no more than it was fascinating and horrifying at the same time.

*the reason i was wearing a blanket was because i had learned about 6 minutes before it was midnight that apparently, brazilians wear white on new years. and it was too cold to rock a white tee so i opted for the slightly less fashionable but a tad warmer blanket garment.

mateo tantrums are the best tantrums

2005-12-29T20:23:00.000-08:00

best tantrum EVER today by my brother. we took him from the pool (that baby pool was FREEZING HOLY CRAP!) a little too early for his water loving tastes and he proceeded to throw the most spectacular fit i have ever seen. i was surprised his head didn't spin and he didn't spit up pea soup. but nevertheless it was a good one and i actually took notes for future reference. here they are.

mateo's glorious fit of extreme anger and baby- displeased- ness or how to clearly and dramatically show that you have been horrifically wronged

*scream without stopping.
*more properly known as shrieking like a banshee. your motivation here is to amaze people by the amount of sound capable of being produced by a human being.
*learn to cry, scream, run and throw visual ninja stars at the offendors simultaneously...
*REALLY REALLY LOUD. mirrors should shatter and deaf people should cover their ears to make it stop.
*pick one line- make sure its really clear on WHAT is wrong right now. throw in how they should fix it maybe one or twice but other than that stick to the line. make it good and catchy too.
*hit your father in the face a lot.
*the floor is your stage. run on it with angry foot pounds of madness, throw yourself on it, kneel on it to ask the gods why you deserve such torment, all that good stuff.
*play to your audience. if they try to relocate from the show- follow them. running around them, throwing yourself on the floor in front of them (sort of like a human wailing doorstopper) and increase your volume when they approach your force field of noise, to make sure they are catching every moment of this.
*respond to nothing, you are in a place where you cannot be touched by bribery, threats or pleading. BE the temper tantrum- ohmmmm.
*when you are done, calmly eat your chicken nuggets and discuss the finer points of the backyardigans and their silly yet lovable random polka dotted animated antics with your sister like you didn't just spit fire at her pool seperating ass.

really- i wish i had video taped it. he just kept screaming "i want my pool back" "bring me back to my pool", in between cries of anguish that came from the fiery core of his babylicious SOUL. it was so.... FUNNY. i dont know why but when he cries about something it makes me laugh. maybe i'm evil. its entirely possible. but bottom line- that shit was funny. i had to start hiding my amusement because the devil growl of "STOP. LAUGHING." kind of scared me a little.

kay, night.

wait!
new crush
so i was watching this travel channel and theres this show where a guy goes to different countries and has to learn their traditional dance in a week and then perform in front of everyone without falling on his face and discracing their heritage. NO pressure at all. so while i was watching this show i realized the dancing man is a fox. and so i am currently deeply in crush with jamie aditya. oh goodness, hes HOT, AND adventurous AND has a sense of humor AND performs well under pressure, AND should be my own personal pretty little dancing fool. mmmmm. watch the show. you'll see.

okay really this time. i'm going to go dream about jamie. night.

neanderthals and international iron chef: special ingredient chicken

2005-12-28T19:37:00.000-08:00

if this doesnt convince you i am secretly insane i don't know what will...

WARNING: this is going to require you to really concentrate on being insane for a while, (stay if you like. its fun) in order to follow my thinking.

i was attempting some non-shitty-scarf knitting and i realized i kind of do it wrong. like i dont hold the needles all correctly or whatever. and then i thought if i ever knitted in front of someone who was better than me they'd probably be all like,
"hey lauren you knit really wrong."
and i'd get defensive and be like,
"hey better knitter shut the hell up because i'm learning."

and then i thought how people these days are all accepting of certain things people do differently. but yet we still fight about stupid shit, like who owns land or which God is better. (which pisses me off- how the HELL, haha funny pun, do YOU know better than me? i didn't see an certificate of authenticy stamped on your behind when you popped out now did i? so cut the holier than thous and get over yourself. until someone can give me documentation that God gives them blue ribbon in the religion category, they don't deserve to be an asshole about it.)

and i thought- why dont we fight over fun stuff? like why don't we say 'hey my language has a cooler word for peanut' or something. (personally i think spanish kind of dominates for peanut- not that i'm biased or anything... but really. cacahuete? admit it bitch, you can't top that.)

but then i thought, really language itself is a bunch of dumb shit some guys a long long time ago came up with, probably when we were all still really really hairy, (well some of us still are but for then it was sexy to lick fur or something..... ew dirty mind i don't mean like that! well wait i have a dirty mind because i definitely thought of that too. i'm leaving this in. okay.)

so a bunch of neanderthals took a break from dragging their girlfriends by their hair and riding around on mastadons ("yo son i'm rollin on double sabertooths- HOLLA") and sat around and pointed at things and went,
"Unghhh. Wah-ter."
and another one thought, "Damn, that's a good one. I've got to show up Grunt..."
"Ah...."
("Shit what do i add?!? What do i add?")
"Gua. Ah-gua."
and different languages were born.
(by the way this is entirely scientific. national geographic and the history channel ain't got nothin' on me... i hate the word ain't oh i shuddered writing it yes i did.)

so the point is why don't we fight over which of our words are better? or like who prepares chicken in a tastier manner? FUCK war- i say we have a big chicken-off iron chef style. so like USA brings some slammin fried chicken...

okay i've got nothing else. ummm what else is typical of countries? i don't really know. i just eat it and call it yummy. look its just an example. back off.

i had more ideas but then i got distracted online and forgot them. my point is if we're going to be stupid and fight it should at least be entertaining.

and i'm all for killing little chicken soldiers instead of our real ones. i can admit it, i secretly really dislike chickens the animal. they're assholes. i know. i've met some... real douchebags those chickens. but what can i say? they taste oh-so-scrumptious.

so i think there was more but i'm ceasing to care and i'm sure you did a little while ago.

what i think so far

2005-12-26T18:18:00.000-08:00

so i'm here!

hooray!

i really don't know what to write. i haven't really been outside much. i feel like rapunzel to be honest. i can't go out unless its a big expedition with the whole family and then i cant even roll down the windows, walk around or even speak english. i get driven practically TO the door of places and someone guides me to the door. its kind of cool in a "i feel like a princess" sort of way but a tad stifling at the same time. i have a feeling pretty soon its going to get old. i saw a wall the other day that was graffitied with the phrase "city of fear" and i think that sums it up. theres always somewhere or something that is so dangerous you shouldn't even THINK of doing it. which is sad because it would be awesome to be able to explore.

but the apartment is gorgeous. so if you're going to be a caged bird the cage might as well be swanky huh?

brazil itself is gorgeous. its like this crazy mix of raw exotic i don't know earth mixed with gritty city. its hard to describe.

and its SO weird not speaking portuguese. its especially weird because i can sort of understand some words if i read them or someone speaks really slowly but its so close and yet so far from spanish that it confuses me. i keep trying to fit meanings with english or a pronunciation with spanish and end up horribly off. so far i've been sticking with sim, nao ciao ciao and obrigado haha cause those are easy enough.

but going to bed. i miss everyone i said i would miss more than i thought i would.
<3

plane post from 12.23/ 12.24

2005-12-26T18:10:00.000-08:00

so i'm sitting on an american airlines flight almost to brazil and i've already watched all the CSI episodes they have, worn out my playstation batteries, and finished reading my book. there's too much turbulence to play snood properly, so typing is the next best thing i can do on my laptop. hopefully i won't pop off any more keys from this piece of crap. i'm going to include the songs i'm listening to as they change cause its fun and you want to know. shutup. humor me. i'm bored.

song: gone going- black eyed peas

hmm looks like we're currently flying over venezuela- caracas it says on the little mini map diorama thing. i feel like a dirty traveler and i'm sure i look like some beast from the amazon. i need a shower and a good meal like nobody's business. 4 hours to go before i can introduce my greasy, sleep deprived face to brazil.

but i keep reminding myself its okay because it's almost christmas and i'll get there soon enough! my plan for christmas day includes eating a huge breakfast as per family tradition then opening stuff and this year i'm going to either take a really nice long soak in my jacuzzi tub (be jealous because really that's absolutely my intention) or a leisurely swim. maybe both.

song: hands down- dashboard confessional

what the fuck? is this plane climbing up and down mountains? i have to pee slightly badly but this plane is so huge i don't know where the thing is and i don't want to look like an idiot wandering the dark aisles looking for it. it doesnt help that we're bouncing around...
wow. this is going to be really long and irrational i can tell already. i apologize in advance... i'll try and bold parts that are actually useful in life whichever ones pop up. what was that random fact i learned today? damn i told myself to remember it too! maybe it'll come to me later. it was a good one too. like one of those semi useful things that actually happens not like those stupid snapple facts.

song: harder to breathe- maroon 5

oh. apparently the bathroom is approximately one seat in front of me. i'm still too lazy to get up and use it.
there was pasta for dinner (they DO still serve dinner hallelujah or i would have probably eaten the baby in the seat next to me to ensure my survival through the flight) and it was actually really good- i have a sick weakness for airplane lasagna i do NOT know why. its SO DAMN GOOD! they should sell it in supermarkets. i'd buy it.

song: drops of jupiter- train

i was being a smart ass but apparently we really *are* flying over mountains. again, this is all based on a little computer animated plane that shows on my tv monitor. its 5:30 there, 2:30 in miami, we have 4 and a half hours left of flight time, we're cruising along at a 11277 meter altitude, well not really cruising- we're gunning around 857 km/hr... what other random ass facts did you want to know. oh? you're really not particularly interested? fine.

song: jesus walks- kanye west

i think the stewardesses and stewards (what the hell do you call them?) thought i was brazilian at first because they kept talking to me in portuguese and gave me some little slip that is entirely in portuguese. so far i have deciphered its got something to do with my carry on luggage. i think i have to claim it or something like with checked baggage really i have no idea, i should just ask for an english one but thats far too easy.

song: i think we're alone now- tiffany (i'm not picking these by the way, this is purely shuffle magic)

its kind of annoying how USELESS my passport was. the lady at the gate glanced at it ONCE. if its such a pain in the ass to get it should be a more integral part of my traveling experience. like just randomly ask to see it or SOMEthing so i feel like its at least a tiny bit necessary and not something some weirdo can print up on his dell and sneak in and out of countries with.

i'm not even over brazil yet. i have lost free reign of my leg muscles. i think they're back in the US where they dont have to stay still for decades. yep. and my ass has officially left.

song: i'm real- j.lo and ja rule

so i spent a lot of money on a playstation portable. its beautiful and i'm excited to be able to get a bunch of games and all to play with it but i am BROKE, WHY do i buy pretty little gadgets when i don't have expendable funds? cause i'm an asshole thats why. this is going to hurt when i want to buy pretty things from brasil and i cannot do so... OMG the person in front of me moved their chair totally back and i am now typing with my elbows. LANDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD PLEEEEEEEEEEEEASEEEEEEE. how are people sleeping? how do you sleep in a chair like its all comfy and snuggly? i am not capable of sleeping with my feet on the ground i don't know why. as long as i have room to put my feet up its all okay. I REMEMBERED THE FACT! the 's' sound is the most likely sound to be overheard when you're whispering. so if you dont want someone to over hear you then don't use the letter s.

song: a decade under the influence- taking back sunday

this turbulence is starting to flip me out. i'd much prefer it to stop. i'm going to stop looking at the screen in the hopes that maybe it'll slow down and i wont have a headache.

song: torture me- metric (quite fitting right about now)
song: get it together- midtown (that might be a sign)

the urge to use the bathroom has withered away which is good. my legs and behind have ceased to participate in that whole blood circulation thing which is not so good. i'm jealous of the guy sitting next to me cause he's sleeping and i'm so not. ooooh we're passing over the amazonas soon. oh amazon how i long to explore thee and sleep in treehouses and make friends with toucans and monkeys... honestly i told the padres thats all i wanted for christmas. i was like just pay for me to visit the amazon and i will be happy. but last time i talked to my mom she said that they bought me presents. so i'm guessing my dream was shut down.

song: back to you (acoustic)- john mayer

took a snood break since the turbulence is gone.

song: dry spell- pepper

okay i'm going to have to turn of the computer now too because its betraying me piece of crap and telling me i all of a sudden only have half battery life when i JUST HAD 70 percent. i actually hate technology.

song: hey ya!- outkast (good song to leave on)

i love mateo

2005-12-11T22:49:00.000-08:00

so im sitting here in the midst of all my half packed crap listening to this amazing amazing song called breathe by anna nalick and looking at my pictures...

and not to be sappy but holy shit i seriously love a lot of people a LOT. like more than... law and order love. YES GUYS, THAT serious. i won't go into lovefests about everyone 'cause well, i'm lazy.

but mateo is definitely number one.

i was looking at pictures of my potato and he is one of the most beautiful children i have ever seen. and i'm not just saying that because i'm his big sister... he is. you're jealous. he should be pimping out baby gap scarves and paying for his lovely sister's slow painful crawl through college.

really though it's weird, for a little creature whose creation announcement caused me to run and slam the door and then bawl uncontrollably in the shower about my dethronement as only child/ reining family princess (he's lucky he was a boy or it REALLY wouldn't have been pretty), i really do love this little boy more than i thought was possible. i don't even want to think how besotted i might be whenever i decide to make one of my very own.

it's crazy though- kids are like those weird chia pet things. how do they grow before your eyes like that?!? sprinkle them with cheerios and apple juice and next thing you know they're talking and like having opinions and stuff. i feel like one day he was drinking that gross fake milk stuff from a bottle and the next day he's stealing my dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets like mom bought them for the TODDLER in the house or something.

i can't wait to be able to spend time with him again. he's the only one in my family who understands the true beauty of burping really loud and then laughing like a maniac. i know that we're going to be best friends me and that boy. i'm sure i'll drive him nuts being a second mom- i'll try to be the cool sister type, even though i'm not really going to buy him and his friends beer for their 8th grade dances. but i figure life is so much more fun when my mom thinks that was serious...

but i do hope i can teach him some useful things and that i don't end up one of those family members he hates going to visit because i make him watch the boring educational shows and talk about what colleges he's thinking about while he's still a freshman...

oh well i still have time before he's worried about the booze and boobs- so for now i'll worry about perfecting the flying superman game and keeping him away from my damn stegosaurus shaped nuggets.

i've got to admit that his glasses beat the pants off mine...

205E

2005-12-05T17:26:00.000-08:00

i love my roommates. sometimes you would think we could not be more different, in all aspects- sizes, looks, ethnicities, backgrounds, tastes in music, fashion sense (or lack thereof on my part), boys, food preferences (ew kristin, macaroni and cheese and tuna were NOT meant to cohabitate)... but really i honestly wouldn't want to live with anyone else.

from crying over stupid boys, more than enough homework, pain in the ass parents, or too short haircuts;
screaming over the blue screen of death and other computer problems, the perpetually dirty bathrooms, or boys not giving us enough attention;
fighting over the TV channels or music selections, my clothes being all over the floor, who gets to sit on kristin's bed (oh it's never kristin);
playing guess who's calling cassie, how long is it going to take kristin to scream at cassie for gyrating her belly on her, or which body part did lauren just crack;
laughing about adult swim cartoons, kristin is a lesbian jokes, cassie trying to get onto her huge ass bed, everything and anything.

yeah we have our great nights drinking and clubbing and partying and all that but its really the little parts that i'm going to miss the most. because there arent enough words to explain how great it is to wake up to cassie trying to get me to health, or kristin's 1 million decibel phone alarms. or how much i love falling asleep to our naming of our boyfriend pillows for the night (right now i think johnny depp is dominating in my bed...), or cassie screaming at demo, which we've learned to actually enjoy at times.

no alcohol needed in this room (although its still a welcome visitor)- we do the stupidest things just for the hell of it- we've even inspired a game of "guess if it's kristin or lauren laughing" in our suite.

sometimes people pick people who they get along with well with to live with- i picked two people who i love more than anything. and even though i won't get to be with them through all the lunch trips and late night munchies- i'll be there for all the important parts and i'll love them like all hell.

besides i'm going to have to leave some of my stuff in the room so i'll see them again eventually.

why i am a nerd

2005-11-14T23:35:00.000-08:00

so i'm actually doing this for a reason- i don't know if i'm going to be as easy to get in touch with everyone and i want to be able to share all the stuff i'm going to see and do and learn and mess up and kick ass at with the people i would normally share those daily parts of my life with.

i know its not the same but it makes me feel better that i'll be able to show you at least some of what i'll be doing.

i know i know i'm starting it early- i'm not leaving for like a month.

and wait this is really vague isn't it?

okay so hey. i'm having a little "quarter life crisis" and i've decided to take a break from school and go live in brazil with my parents. i don't feel like explaining the whole inspiration behind it right now but basically i'm unhappy with where things are at. so i've decided to stop torturing myself and do what i want to do. it's my life right?

so i'm going. and it should be interesting.