Thursday, April 13, 2006

drive by

what exactly is the motive behind honking at girls on the street? we've all been honked at, or even worse- drive by obsenity yelled at. but at least honked. its really one of my pet peeves (of which i have a looooong list) but honking is really up there. because not only does it make me feel murderous- i just dont GET it.

what really is the proper reaction to a horn honking- does anybody know? so i'm walking along- like a nice little pedestrian and something you see as youre speeding past inspires you to blast your horn. what?? am i supposed to smile and wave? because you're already down the street by the time i can coordinate that. and i dont want to go straight to flipping you off- what if you're warning me a bus without brakes is heading in my direction?

maybe the right response is to fall madly in love/lust with you for the 5 seconds we share road space... who knows? maybe this is the start of something beautiful. i can't really see you as you zoom by, and the conversation (hey baby, or woooooooooooo, or alajashfugasjb!!!) kind of leaves something to be desired, but who am i to turn my back on fate? YOU are choosing to honk at ME. i mean this can't be a common occurence can it? its not like you just go around honking at any female you see minding her own business enjoying the world.
oh oh! a honk? for me? wait please- slow down- let's get together. baby, i can't wait to tell the story at the wedding about how you pressed that horn when you saw me swinging along with my flip flops and messy bun and you saw the beauty in me- all the way from the other side of the street, and then i saw you speeding past that stop sign and directly into my heart. ahh forget wedding bells... i want to hear car horns swinging us sweetly through our waltz of vehicular looooooooove.
but no. it cant be. i mean where could it go? here i am, on the sidewalk... and there you are- in your car. we're just from two different worlds. shh. shh. it'll be okay.

i'm probably jumping to conclusions. maybe you're just trying to ask me out on a date. taking it slow- i respect that in a guy who honks at young girls walking alone. i mean your tinted windows are kind of getting in the way of our courtship, bright blue acura man, but at least roll down the window and shout me a restaurant name or movie time okay?

OR maybe your toot toot is just your own special way of giving me your approval. from now on when i'm wondering about a new top or something i'll just go stand by a highway and see what the general driving public response is.

but what really makes me mad? what really makes me want to turn into the incredible hulk and kick out your back windows? when you are honking at me- AND YOU'RE A TRACTOR TRAILER.
are you new at this trucking game sir? borrowing cousin bubba's big 'ol truck for a joyride? or are you just taking the big rig for a test run from wherever you people buy these monster vehicles from? because you obviously do not know how FUCKING LOUD YOUR HORN IS. I HAVE TO USE CAPS NOW TO ILLUSTRATE THE FACT THAT I AM NOW DEAF AND MY HEART IS RESIDING IN MY UPPER ESOPHAGUS.

are those things hooked up to stereo speakers? in my ear? and what really makes my day is when theyre coming from behind. spectacular timing those truck drivers- right as i'm about to innocently inhale some necessary oxygen to my cells so i can live and function they let loose a deafening blast from that air horn on steriods. okay i understand. the truck is big. great. but does the sound that comes out of it really need to be that earshattering? other drivers just need to know you're coming, not the whole entire continental united states. i may just be sensitive but i'm pretty sure i need to have a pacemaker put in after a recent walk i took. are they trying to pick me up or committ homicide? because if they keep fucking around, one of these days i might jump a little too far to the right and end up in front of oncoming traffic. and you atlantans dont really like that stop for pedestrians rule do you? i mean in new york we don't either but at least we're open about it, and don't pretend that you have a chance. i see it in your eyes. you georgia peaches are stepping on the gas arent you?

oh and don't wave. thats not cute. do you see the deer in a headlights look i have? i'm not struck by your sexiness- you just dazed me with your auditory tazer gun of a horn.

i think when i actually start driving, i'm going to get a tractor trailer and joy ride around all the trucking yards til the guys get out of work, all tired from a long run, and then wait til they're juuuuust about to turn the lights off and head to bed, and play them a little big rig horn concert.

and then i'll wave.


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