Wednesday, December 28, 2005

neanderthals and international iron chef: special ingredient chicken

if this doesnt convince you i am secretly insane i don't know what will...

WARNING: this is going to require you to really concentrate on being insane for a while, (stay if you like. its fun) in order to follow my thinking.

i was attempting some non-shitty-scarf knitting and i realized i kind of do it wrong. like i dont hold the needles all correctly or whatever. and then i thought if i ever knitted in front of someone who was better than me they'd probably be all like,
"hey lauren you knit really wrong."
and i'd get defensive and be like,
"hey better knitter shut the hell up because i'm learning."

and then i thought how people these days are all accepting of certain things people do differently. but yet we still fight about stupid shit, like who owns land or which God is better. (which pisses me off- how the HELL, haha funny pun, do YOU know better than me? i didn't see an certificate of authenticy stamped on your behind when you popped out now did i? so cut the holier than thous and get over yourself. until someone can give me documentation that God gives them blue ribbon in the religion category, they don't deserve to be an asshole about it.)

and i thought- why dont we fight over fun stuff? like why don't we say 'hey my language has a cooler word for peanut' or something. (personally i think spanish kind of dominates for peanut- not that i'm biased or anything... but really. cacahuete? admit it bitch, you can't top that.)

but then i thought, really language itself is a bunch of dumb shit some guys a long long time ago came up with, probably when we were all still really really hairy, (well some of us still are but for then it was sexy to lick fur or something..... ew dirty mind i don't mean like that! well wait i have a dirty mind because i definitely thought of that too. i'm leaving this in. okay.)

so a bunch of neanderthals took a break from dragging their girlfriends by their hair and riding around on mastadons ("yo son i'm rollin on double sabertooths- HOLLA") and sat around and pointed at things and went,
"Unghhh. Wah-ter."
and another one thought, "Damn, that's a good one. I've got to show up Grunt..."
("Shit what do i add?!? What do i add?")
"Gua. Ah-gua."
and different languages were born.
(by the way this is entirely scientific. national geographic and the history channel ain't got nothin' on me... i hate the word ain't oh i shuddered writing it yes i did.)

so the point is why don't we fight over which of our words are better? or like who prepares chicken in a tastier manner? FUCK war- i say we have a big chicken-off iron chef style. so like USA brings some slammin fried chicken...

okay i've got nothing else. ummm what else is typical of countries? i don't really know. i just eat it and call it yummy. look its just an example. back off.

i had more ideas but then i got distracted online and forgot them. my point is if we're going to be stupid and fight it should at least be entertaining.

and i'm all for killing little chicken soldiers instead of our real ones. i can admit it, i secretly really dislike chickens the animal. they're assholes. i know. i've met some... real douchebags those chickens. but what can i say? they taste oh-so-scrumptious.

so i think there was more but i'm ceasing to care and i'm sure you did a little while ago.


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