Thursday, April 13, 2006

drive by

what exactly is the motive behind honking at girls on the street? we've all been honked at, or even worse- drive by obsenity yelled at. but at least honked. its really one of my pet peeves (of which i have a looooong list) but honking is really up there. because not only does it make me feel murderous- i just dont GET it.

what really is the proper reaction to a horn honking- does anybody know? so i'm walking along- like a nice little pedestrian and something you see as youre speeding past inspires you to blast your horn. what?? am i supposed to smile and wave? because you're already down the street by the time i can coordinate that. and i dont want to go straight to flipping you off- what if you're warning me a bus without brakes is heading in my direction?

maybe the right response is to fall madly in love/lust with you for the 5 seconds we share road space... who knows? maybe this is the start of something beautiful. i can't really see you as you zoom by, and the conversation (hey baby, or woooooooooooo, or alajashfugasjb!!!) kind of leaves something to be desired, but who am i to turn my back on fate? YOU are choosing to honk at ME. i mean this can't be a common occurence can it? its not like you just go around honking at any female you see minding her own business enjoying the world.
oh oh! a honk? for me? wait please- slow down- let's get together. baby, i can't wait to tell the story at the wedding about how you pressed that horn when you saw me swinging along with my flip flops and messy bun and you saw the beauty in me- all the way from the other side of the street, and then i saw you speeding past that stop sign and directly into my heart. ahh forget wedding bells... i want to hear car horns swinging us sweetly through our waltz of vehicular looooooooove.
but no. it cant be. i mean where could it go? here i am, on the sidewalk... and there you are- in your car. we're just from two different worlds. shh. shh. it'll be okay.

i'm probably jumping to conclusions. maybe you're just trying to ask me out on a date. taking it slow- i respect that in a guy who honks at young girls walking alone. i mean your tinted windows are kind of getting in the way of our courtship, bright blue acura man, but at least roll down the window and shout me a restaurant name or movie time okay?

OR maybe your toot toot is just your own special way of giving me your approval. from now on when i'm wondering about a new top or something i'll just go stand by a highway and see what the general driving public response is.

but what really makes me mad? what really makes me want to turn into the incredible hulk and kick out your back windows? when you are honking at me- AND YOU'RE A TRACTOR TRAILER.
are you new at this trucking game sir? borrowing cousin bubba's big 'ol truck for a joyride? or are you just taking the big rig for a test run from wherever you people buy these monster vehicles from? because you obviously do not know how FUCKING LOUD YOUR HORN IS. I HAVE TO USE CAPS NOW TO ILLUSTRATE THE FACT THAT I AM NOW DEAF AND MY HEART IS RESIDING IN MY UPPER ESOPHAGUS.

are those things hooked up to stereo speakers? in my ear? and what really makes my day is when theyre coming from behind. spectacular timing those truck drivers- right as i'm about to innocently inhale some necessary oxygen to my cells so i can live and function they let loose a deafening blast from that air horn on steriods. okay i understand. the truck is big. great. but does the sound that comes out of it really need to be that earshattering? other drivers just need to know you're coming, not the whole entire continental united states. i may just be sensitive but i'm pretty sure i need to have a pacemaker put in after a recent walk i took. are they trying to pick me up or committ homicide? because if they keep fucking around, one of these days i might jump a little too far to the right and end up in front of oncoming traffic. and you atlantans dont really like that stop for pedestrians rule do you? i mean in new york we don't either but at least we're open about it, and don't pretend that you have a chance. i see it in your eyes. you georgia peaches are stepping on the gas arent you?

oh and don't wave. thats not cute. do you see the deer in a headlights look i have? i'm not struck by your sexiness- you just dazed me with your auditory tazer gun of a horn.

i think when i actually start driving, i'm going to get a tractor trailer and joy ride around all the trucking yards til the guys get out of work, all tired from a long run, and then wait til they're juuuuust about to turn the lights off and head to bed, and play them a little big rig horn concert.

and then i'll wave.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

back from the dead

i have gotten the most fantastical package from my SP.

cecily (yay i know your name) i'm sorry i was such a pain in the ass but you really didnt have to worry too much about me because i LOVEEEEE everything you sent!!

since i dont have my camera (SAMMY JANEEEEEEE) you'll have to rely on words to express the beautiousness of it all.

books! YES!
stitch and bitch nation- holla, now i just need to pick one...

the shop on blossom street and p.s. i love you- both sound like sappy girly redemption stories- perfect for what i need right now.

chocolate from italy- which the only reason i havent eaten yet is because i just inhaled like 8 milanos and even *i* have some self control sometimes.

andean silk from knitpicks in black and cranberry
a skein of pure wool in a deep red wine-y color

two skeins of knitpicks shine in THE most amazing turquoise color ever- i'm already planning to knit a clutch out it for when i just want my bankcard keys and chapstick on me.

THANK YOU SO MUCH CECILY!! i bookmarked your journal. and you are fantastic and im so grateful!

like cecily said i havent written in a while. why? because i'm all over the place. i'm working two jobs (soon to be one though) and trying to do the whole adult thing. i dont really have time to write about it now (gotta clean up and then get ready for work...) but today has started out as an amazing day- i bought jason mraz tickets and then this gorgeous package showed up at my door. so no nasty customers or job related stress is going to bother me today. cause i said so.

Thursday, March 16, 2006


i am FINALLY in atlanta! i'm a little overwhelmed cause its like bam- BE A PERSON AGAIN LAUREN but its cool- i'll figure out how to do things like work or feed myself again soon enough.

things that need to be addressed-

1. my amazing secret pal!!! as soon as i have free time tomorrow i'll snap some shots of the awesome packages i got to properly express my thanks! (also in related news i am the shittiest secret pal ever- i only sent out once and i left what was supposed to be my second package in NY... scramble to any atlanta yarn store i can find here i come)

2. i am wasting my st. patrick's day away. whyyyyyyy do i not have any friends here who can accompany me on a shitshow fest tomorrow night?! why couldnt i be established with fun aquaintances by the time of this holiday o' liquor??

3. do you know how unattractive it is to have a swollen nostril due to ripping your nose ring out violently by mistake in the shower? i do. and so does anyone else who looks at me.

4. would it be wrong if i ran down the halls of my aunt's job and stole the things off the walls? (she works at cartoon network) dear GOD they have some cool ass shit in that joint. anyone ever been and feel the urge to play supermarket sweep and steal their toys and pictures too?

but wish me luck on my upcoming search for a job- i asked for an application today and apparently they dont even GIVE THEM OUT unless you come between mon-thurs 2-5. i went to like 5 places and thats what they all said. what?? just give me the damn paper hostess lady so i can fill it out. is this a date we're making? i just want to apply- you know, like let you know of my existence? (now im scared theyre going to like throw me in a uniform and make me work to see if they want to hire me.) and ive never waited tables before sir. i kiiiinda just want to be a hostess. can we do that? or is there a seperate time table i'm going to have to apply in?

okay that whole sleep thing must be done now. boooo for being a productive part of society.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

i am loving brazil right about now

so ive decided im too lazy to write about dinner the other night

just imagine it was funny. and we ate a lot of meat while we laughed. and then after we all said we were going to throw up we decided that was a big fat lie and ate a lot of chocolate.

we went to one of our favorite restaurants here- its a churrascaria (means barbeque) where they take big slabs of beef and roast 'em up for a couple hours, (some of the huge chunks prominently twirling in the front window) and then many many gaucho-ed men walk around with sharp shiny knives and carve off pieces for you to slide onto your plate. right off the barbeque skewer. they bring it to you. are you grasping the wonderfulness of this?? its amazing. and theres a pasta bar where they have like 10 different kinds of pasta and almost anything you could want in your sauce (and NOT want- eggs?! ew??)

how are brazilians not obese? i think the american government has it written down somewhere, like on a post it or something, to not allow these glorious restaurants to take over the states because we're fat enough as it is. and i believe it reads as thus:

"hey prez- remember, no churrazkareeas allowed cuz americans r fat enuf."

also me and my mother discovered this amaaaazing district here where there are more clothing stores than you could possibly imagine. i cant explain. i need to take pictures. and i will. because the world needs to see. i bought pants that i wore today and destructo (my brother) got chocolate ice cream stickyness on, two shirts, a dress (WHY does my mother INSIST on pretending i'm a size larger than i really am?! is she calling me fat? is she blind? can she not estimate as well as she used to in her growing years? does she think i dress like a whore by mistake?) which is too big (especially in the bitty titty area) but i'll deal, and earrings.

i was a little overwhelmed or i would have bought more.

i'll update later because im going to watch the longest yard.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

mmmm meat

tonight was quite possibly one of the funniest family dinners i have ever had.

and i'm pretty sure i ate an entire large cow's left flank. and it was DELICIOUS.

but i have to wake up in 7 hours and thats approximately 3 less than i usually require so goodnight for now : )

in lieu of listening to me talk about how i spent my night laughing, gnawing on ol' bessie's hindquarters and stealing little shot mugs/glasses things from the restaurant we were at... here are some links to entertain you.

help me find myself - do this por favor

project spectrum!
if you're part of this and are somehow reading my blog- say hi!! so i can keep an eye on your blog and check it out!

boa noite!

Monday, February 13, 2006

"i feel like tony the tiger- they're grrrrrrreat!"

i just had a good long conversation with my friend about semen.

and earlier i told my mother that i would rather rip out my eyeballs and run screaming than eat dinner with the family.

i think its safe to say that i'm a little off today... so i'm heading to bed before i go completely apeshit and try to like eat people kidney's or something.

on another note- my impending departure from brazil is wavering under the results of the "rip out my eyeballs" conversation with my mother. so maybe i'm here for longer- maybe i'm outta this joint. too soon to tell!

Thursday, February 09, 2006

purple sea urchins and light bulbed valleys

why does it feel like all that was once right with the world is now based on the crazed ramblings of a left handed crack addict writing in crayon when you hear that an ex is getting married?

i mean you're over him- REALLY you are, its great he's getting married, yay doves and rice!
but still why does it feel so... icky?!

could it be because he had to get a last parting "i wanted you" shot in there at the last minute?
could it be the world feels a need to rub in your face that you will die a lonely old woman?
could it be a sign that the world is absolutely insane and you might as well join the hell in and run around in mismatched underwear and feather headdresses?

i'm sorry- maybe i shouldnt be flipping out about this, is it wrong that it bothers me and ive become incoherent and slightly crazy since hearing? oh well, its back to my heart attacks and self pity for now. so i'll see you later... probably with a good strong drink in hand for fortitude.